Trying (and Failing) To Watch Football
I'm just here for the bowls
If you’re new, welcome! I’m Caitlin and this is my newsletter, Fully AuthentiCaited. I hope it hits you right in the feels, just like a 6.5-million-dollar beer commercial.
Hey fam,
Happy Super Bowl Sunday to those who celebrate! As much as I love seeing men in colorful outfits jump on each other, I just can’t seem to concentrate when I try to watch football. I think it’s all the starting and stopping. Also the lack of a cohesive plot. What exactly did the Other Guys do to Our Guys to deserve such violent punishment? Quarterback is the hero, so why doesn’t he get a stirring solo number in Act 2? Is Coach the mentor or the villain? My favorite part is Intermission, when Shakira shakes her butt and sings about world peace.
In any case, I’ve decided not to fake it anymore: from here on out, I will no longer be observing Super Bowl Sunday. Instead I’ll be celebrating Super BOWL Sunday, a new holiday I invented that’s all about Bowls And The Snacks That Go In Them. So if you want an invite to my Super BOWL Party next year, let me know! We’re gonna eat snacks and watch Les Mis.
Also, Happy Valentine’s Day!
Ahhh, Valentine’s Day. A holiday that pretends to be about love, but is actually about my favorite thing in the world: PUNS. I’ve had to defend my love of wordplay against a set of people I’ll call “Groaners,” but no one can change my mind: there is nothing in the world more surprising, elegant, and satisfying than a well-placed pun.
The existence of puns is like 40% of the reason I get out of bed in the morning (the other 60% is physical abuse from hungry cats). One time on Valentine’s Day I received fruit with puns written on them (“you’re one in a melon”) and while that may not be everyone’s romantic dream, it worked on me. While we’re on the subject of gifts, check out the worst Valentine's gifts people have received, and tell me: what’s the most cringeworthy V Day gift you’ve ever gotten?
If you like sex puns, my piece I’m The “She” From “That’s What She Said” And I’m Here To Set The Record Straight is for you. I wrote it to exorcise all the middle school years I spent frustrated because no one would tell me who “She” was. But now I get it!!! See, guys?? I finally got the joke!!! Am I cool now???
Or if Jesus jokes are more your speed, you can watch my performance in last week’s Characters Welcome show (thanks to everyone who watched it live!)
Anyway, let’s get into it.
SNL returns February 26. In the meantime, here are my top five romance-themed sketches!
Totino’s With Kristen Stewart: A Super Bowl ad suddenly turns into a cinematic romance between Vanessa Bayer’s nameless Totino woman and Kristen Stewart.
Love At First Sight: Cecily Strong and Chance the Rapper literally fly on the (messy) wings of love.
Romance Bookstore: John Cena and Aidy Bryant live out their romance novel fantasies.
Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts at CVS: Because every woman dreams of receiving a $2.99 box of Power Rangers-themed chocolate.
Joan Song: Joan makes a compelling case that the perfect man…is actually a dog.
Recommended Reading
Super Bowl Commercial Bingo (Kimberley Harrington in McSweeney’s)
“Beer! Beer! Beer!’”
It’s a bingo board, it takes a minute to read, and I think it’s pretty accurate. Not much to explain here. My favorite squares are “Annual disingenuous pandering to the military” and “Immigrants!”
What Happened This Week
Anti-vaccine-and-mask protests in Canada’s capital have lasted over two weeks. While I can’t say for sure where they got the idea, I can say that it appears stupidity, like the virus, is highly contagious.
The former CEO of one of NYC’s largest homeless shelters was found guilty of taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in contractor bribes. But he got what he wanted in the end: 3-4 years of free housing.
Hyundai and Kia are telling some car owners to park outside, since certain models have the potential to spontaneously light themselves on fire. You know things have gotten bad when even our technology wants to die.
Increased demand for battery-powered cars has prompted manufacturers to begin selling electric pickup trucks. Don’t worry though: to make up for the quiet engines they’ve added a Rumbler siren, so you can still get the attention you crave.
A California nun was sentenced to prison after stealing $835,000 to pay for gambling expenses she incurred at casinos. She blamed it on God, who refused to tell her the other guy’s cards.
A woman floated on an air mattress in Oklahoma’s Lake Texoma for two days before being rescued. As soon as she recovers, she plans to “ship those brats off to boarding school.”
“Just Be Serious For A Minute”
“The E.U. currently gets 60% of its power from non-emitting sources, like renewables and nuclear. But these sources alone can’t keep up with demand, forcing countries to turn to Russia for cheap, dirty fuels.”
Everyone’s talking about the Ukraine crisis, but most of us don’t realize the kind of climate impacts these geopolitical tensions have. Friend of the newsletter Brandon Pytel breaks it all down in this post from his publication, Planet Days.
“This is still the only randomized controlled trial of a statewide pre-K, and I know that people get upset about this and don't want it to be true.”
A new study suggests universal pre-K may not be the magic bullet politicians have hoped. Researchers theorize that control-focused instruction may not only negate the effects of pre-K, but actually disadvantage students later on.
“…about 97 percent of us know someone who has received a blood transfusion, so the need for blood touches nearly all of us whether we realize it or not.”
The U.S. is currently experiencing a dramatic blood shortage, which means people can’t get critical procedures. Also, did you know blood expires? So if you’ve donated in the past, consider donating again! And if you’re a first-timer, check out these busted myths about donating.
Jobs, Auditions, & Opportunities
I have no affiliation with any opportunities posted here! If you’d like to list something, reply to this email and let me know.
Anywhere
[Stand up] Submissions are open for the fifth annual Tower City Comedy Festival taking place in Paris, Texas in January 2023. More info here.
One more. I couldn’t resist. (Creator: Unknown)
Stay classy and stay alive!
XOXO,
Caitlin
P.S. If anyone wants to discuss/complain about The Book of Boba Fett, email me.
